Relationships & Family >
Grief & Loss
Get a Widget for this title
RSS FeedShould a dying person choose his own funeral rituals?
Results so far:
| Yes | 95% | 828 votes | Total: 874 votes | |
| No | 5% | 46 votes |
Yes
Write now
Print
Invite a writer™
Add to FavoritesMy husband and I have discussed this topic many times. We joke about it sometimes, like who is going to die first and the other will do what they want as far as these final decisions go. But that same joke is why I feel it is important to know what your loved one wants and to carry out their wishes.
I personally wish to be cremated with no services. I made this decision after losing my grandparents. I never knew until they died what their wishes were and at the time, I didn't agree with the decisions they made. They wanted cremated with a small, informal gathering of family at their home for services. My thoughts were, "So many people knew them,those whom would want to pay their last respects." or "What an honor it would be to celebrate their lives with a large memorial service, I want to do something big for them", I didn't have a say in the matter and for that I'm thankful. Their services were more meaningful than any large or public memorial would've been. It also reflected the simple lives they lived. It was truly a perfect ending for the type of people they were. Their funeral plans made it easier on the family. Their children didn't have to worry about making any preparations immediately following their deaths. Their five children could just be together to mourn and reminisce.
There are many things that need done when a loved one dies. When people make their final requests known, they have taken a little of the burden off of the survivors. They can focus on financial and estate matters, calling distant family and friends, not too mention little things like canceling any subscriptions their loved one may have had, health and life insurance details, and medical bills. There are many lose ends to tie up. This can give survivors an opportunity to do something for the one they have lost.
When people make their own funeral plans, they are doing one last thing for the family and friends they are leaving behind. More often than not, these plans are fitting for who that person was and the life they led, not the desires of any other person. I don't know too many people that would want that in life, why should they have it in death?
Some have issues with the choices a person makes regarding burial or cremation. While there are few choices in this area, the desires of every individual should be carried out. My husband wants buried in a casket. I want cremated then buried. If I pass first, I want to be cremated then have my urn placed in my husband's casket when he shall pass. My father wants cremated and his ashes scattered across a mountain, where he spends a lot of his time. My mother, on the other hand, is unsure. She doesn't want buried because she's claustrophobic and doesn't want cremated because she can't stand the heat. What we will do with her is unknown. She may be the one person that our family will have to decide for when that time comes.
Yes, I believe every person should be able to choose their own funeral ritual. It's their final good-bye, not persons left behind. For those wanting to change the wishes of a loved one in death just to help heal their hurt, I recommend doing something else in the deceased name. A beautiful memorial can speak volumes on the love you shared.
Learn more about this author, Bobbie Miller.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
No
No. There are of course people who disagree, because the mental image of a dying loved one says "let so-and-so have his/her own way". That SOUNDS good, until one realizes that those left behind to mourn will feel cheated. Cheated out of doing or saying what was needed for those left behind to feel more at peace.
For instance, say it is well known that grandpa loved roses while alive: he gave them to grandma from their garden every day. But in a bout of deep depression just because he said no roses ever does not make him right. When a husband and wife have such a special, deep connection, the fear of what might happen should not be allowed to influence how loved ones are allowed to react and/or mourn.
The families left behind should choose songs, prayers, and viewing events as being the best for those who LOVED grandpa. Yes, it matters greatly that he is gone, but what matters more, is the family and its discretion on how to show respect.
A good example of this was my father who died of heart disease; he had been in the Navy as a young man, and was thus given a military funeral. Afterward, I was offered a military-folded American flag [to me as a special remembrance], which I accepted. Now every time I see a flag flying on the breeze, I think of him, and my flag at home. It is a special memory for me to remember him with. If he had insisted no military funeral, where would I be? Robbed of that special bond I feel for him even now. So I say the families of dying loved ones should set the tone.
Then there are those who become random victims because of car crashes and the like. The plans for such victims matter just as well. My niece ran her car into the back of a dump truck she thought was moving, and died hours later. It was late at night, she was a young, inexperienced teen, and had taken cold medicine.
The only people her funeral rituals mattered to were her parents. Her soul was at peace, theirs, tattered with grief.
Still, whether the person who died was young or old, funerals are remembrances, not stopping places to be filled with grief till the end of days.
Now I am not including HOW a person wants to be buried: cremation or regular should indeed be honored as requested; that is respectful and shows love and caring, but to say how one grieves is just not right. For my wishes, I tell my husband I want cremation. For his part, he wants his organs donated. That I will do because it is more about one's inner self than telling those left alive how to feel.
I grieve for my father every time I see an American flag; my mother, whenever I smell brownies cooking [she was a great cook], and my niece whenever I see a girl about her age with hair to her waist.
Please don't get me wrong: I am not saying to disparage a loved one's wants. Every one is an individual, and no family member can change that, so the loved one's religious familial requests should be honored, no ifs ands or buts. A person's beliefs as a human being should never be disrespected, whether it's wanting to donate organs and blood, have religious rituals preformed before hand, or being blessed in a way that seems special. ALL those things should be honored.
I am concerned with what happens AFTER that loved one passes away. No one has the right to tell another how to feel or mourn. No one has the right to dictate how to proceed with honoring that loved one. Grieving and remembering a loved one is a private, deeply personal process to be lived through as if passing through a tunnel; finally finding sunlight. If lucky, maybe even grandpa's family will feel well enough to leave him a rose like those he so loved, and let life begin again.
Learn more about this author, Lisa Beach.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
