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Add to FavoritesIt is never acceptable for children to be brought into their parents' fights. Now, that isn't to say that it will never happen. Parents are human, and no one is perfect. All humans make mistakes. And there will be times when one parent will vent about the other to their kids.
One major thing to remember is that kids are not adults. They don't have a full understanding of why parents fight, nor will they necessarily understand the concept of venting. When a person vents, they are normally just getting rid of stress and frustration, and oftentimes they say things they do not really mean. A child may or may not understand this. Children have a habit of remembering only things that really stick out, and those may or may not even be accurate. The last thing a mother wants is to upset her kids by venting about her husband and the kids taking it to mean she no longer loves their daddy. And no father wants to have his kids ask him why he hates their mother because he said such mean things about her. Venting is best done to another adult, a journal, or to each other but never to the child.
Now if you're the kind of person who vents and has a tendency to say things you don't really mean, you don't want your child to repeat that to your spouse. Children are known for repeating things; you don't want to call the other parent something not so polite only to find out they know about it and are mad as everything because your sweet kids told them all you said. This will do nothing but lead to friction in a relationship, the last thing needed when kids are involved. Yes, it might actually open the doors to communication when one parent confronts the other about something the kids repeated, but is that really the best way to let things be known? Some things are simply best left unsaid or at least not known to be said. Frustration and anger leads to hurtful words that a lot of the time are not only unwarranted, but do nothing but cause more trouble.
If the parents are separated, it is just as important for parents to try and avoid venting about each other to the kids. No one wants to realize their child thinks they are a creep, especially if they find out their child believes so based on things the other parent has been saying. Kids aren't going to understand and it's hard enough dealing with separated parents; to hear one talking about the other does nothing but break their hearts.
Kids, for the most part, adore their parents. I knew many boys (and girls) who were quick to start a fight if anyone said anything bad about their mom or dad. But they can't do that if it's one parent talking about the other, unless they are older and willing to defend them. And that simply leads to another relationship being hurt - the one between the parent and the child. Venting can actually drive a child away from the parent who does it too often, preferring to be in the company of the one who doesn't do it all the time. It's more peaceful, less stressful, and for the kid who loves both their parents, easier because they aren't playing defense. It just hurts kids when their parents are at odds, and even if they don't really understand the words, they understand the expressions and tones and it just causes confusion and unease for them.
Learn more about this author, Skyra.
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Yes
We've all been there, mom just spent $350 dollars on something that dad doesn't feel they needed and he's stressing out about how the bills are going to get paid. Or dad went out with his work buddies and didn't call, he comes waltzing in at 3 AM, waking the whole household up. Things happen in life that we don't expect, sometimes parents act out of character at times. It happens, that's life. Children, whether young or old have an inherent sense about these things. It's almost as if they can sense it coming before it happens and depending on the child they either try to help or get out of the way for a few hours.
Venting is a way most people relieve stress. Rather than bottling up what's bothering them, they want to verbalise it and send it back out into the universe and somehow make sense of it all. Some parents try really hard not to show their children that anything is wrong between them, that's a perfectly acceptable way to go. Especially if the tension is high due to money or work or just differences. But there are times when parents have no one else to turn to except for the child. Believe me, as a child of two constantly bickering parents, i've been in on many vent sessions.
It's completely okay. In most cases, the child wants to be privy to what's going on with their parents, even if they want nothing to do with them afterwards. When mom or dad vents about their spouse, it gives the child a sense of trust. That they are now mature and responsible enough to know that mom and dad are just human and can sometimes make mistakes. Children can even give a bit of insight at times, even if they think they are. When parents vent problems to their kids, whether they realize this or not, they are showing that it's okay to get upset at times and it's okay to seek help. Granted, some issues may make children uncomfortable, ultimately they are learning from the whole experience.
It can even be a way to build up a parent's relationship with a child, by letting them in on frustrations felt. There isn't much need to worry on the parents part of turning a child against one parent, children can discover for themselves the traits and faults of their parents without any help from them. But when a child is exposed to the venting, they are discovering that someday they too will need to vent and need help with an issue. Parents want to be the first place that their child turns to in those situations. That's what they are there for in the later years, to help, to listen. Children are that ear at first, but the tides will change and more parents will find that their kids are turning to them later for help because they have seen firsthand accounts of similar problems.
Nothing can be scarier than watching parents fight, and it should never come down to a screaming match. When listening to mom or dad vent, the child will know if he or she should stay or go. It's a comfort thing, nobody likes watching people embarrass themselves or feel embarrassed for someone else. Now not every fight can be avoided on the child's part, but by being present at a venting session, they are more able to judge whether or not it is going to be a scene they want to see.
Children are more intune to what's going on than they seem to be, don't discourage them a possible learning experience, even if you think that it's not a good idea to see a squabble between mom and dad.
Learn more about this author, Nicole Scott.
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