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Is it acceptable for a parent to vent to their kids about the other parent?
Results so far:
| No | 91% | 1473 votes | Total: 1626 votes | |
| Yes | 9% | 153 votes |
No
by Kristal Mcvicar
Created on: May 24, 2008 Last Updated: March 27, 2012
Recent research concluded that adolescent or young adult children brought into the middle of a high-conflict marriage between their parents contributes to those children internalizing their own problems and causes a weakened relationship with their parents. If those parents divorce, it appears the young adults carry the effects of being pulled between their parents for approximately ten years. If the parents do not divorce it is highly likely that those children are never able to escape the conflict and resulting feelings of being torn between the two, even in adulthood.
The psychology behind the behavior is simple. Usually the parent doing the talking (the offender) is the one who feels they need to justify their behavior and demoralize the other parent because the other parent, if not demoralized in the eyes of the child or children, would certainly appear to be a more loving and capable parent.
The offending parent wishes to create within the child a feeling of sympathy for them. This parent is usually trying to martyr themselves in the process, look like the victim and the only injured party by creating an impression within the minds of their children that they are right and good and the other parent is wrong and bad. This is caused by a deep lack of self respect and self esteem and sometimes a sense of competitiveness.
The offender, who is receiving the sympathy that is neither deserved nor acknowledged, because of insecurity is without many adult friends whom they could speak with about the issues in their marriage. They feel in this conflict with the opposite parent (the victim) that should they not have the support of the children, they will have nothing and no one.
The victim parent usually receives undeserved contempt and anger from the child or children and a false perception of the reality of the marriage and family. This individual usually carries around alot of guilt and feelings of insecurity as a parent which is often instilled in them from the offending parent. They are often more passive than the offending parent as well. It is an abusive situation all the way around.
In the end, the child or children feel torn and conflicted over their feelings for both parents, not just one.
Children, no matter what their age, have impressionable minds that are easily influenced by those they depend on for food, shelter and love. Their parents. To bring them in as partners in the dysfunctional issues of the marriage of their parents is more than unfair, it is unhealthy.
Many of these children will move through their lives emulating the behaviors of their parents in their own adult relationships and it may be many years before the children truly are able to see the truth that existed within their homes.
As parents, is our innate responsibility to protect our children. Not only protect them from the cruelties of the outside world but also from the dysfunction of our adult relationships, ourselves and our partners.
If any parent is engaged in a relationship where the other parent is mentally and emotionally abusing their children in such a manner, it is the responsibility of that parent to either leave, seek counseling for both parents, or both.
Children are not pawns to be used against a partner to get what you want. They are impressionable minds we are responsible for, impressionable souls it is our duty and privilege to love and care for, they are our future! How they move into that future is our responsibility.
Is it "ever" acceptable for a parent to vent to their kids about the other parent no matter what th situation? A huge and resounding no, NEVER! Find a friend, hire a counselor, scream into the wind, whatever it takes to protect your children, they are the innocent victims of a marriage gone bad.
Learn more about this author, Kristal Mcvicar.
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Yes
by Martin Shung
Created on: November 12, 2010
Life has a long process of learning about the world around them. Kids need to be taught the rights and wrongs of the traits that may determine their future. Conflicts and opinions of others is just one of the emotional lessons that children are to be taught.
A great number of parents leave their children oblivious of most of the conflicts that happen around them. They spoil them with good pleasures and the traits that many of these kids develop are more on the selfish and irresponsible side. Telling their kids about what they like and dislike about the other parent shapes how they analyze the situation to make themselves more agreeable to society. For an example, a father that smokes and consumes alcohol may abuse the mother of the child. With bad treatment from the father, the child will also dislike or hate him, and the mother can tell him/her that it is caused from the alcohol and smoking. From this, a barrier will be set in the child's mind against smoking or drinking alcohol at a young age. It could very likely prevent the disrupted future of the specific child and perhaps influence others.
Yet this does not only apply to the child's acknowledgments of the character traits. Basic and unusual knowledge is something that is very useful in many peoples' lives. While describing an event on how the other parent has done something, the child's mind takes in and remembers some of the background information on how certain areas work. If a father is describing about how much shopping the mother does and at what price, the child could automatically set a general price on the things bought and imagine settings in the place described. Though it may not be the most important thing they could learn from experience, information that is told from the parents add up and eventually sprouts new ideas towards many new aspects. Many prospects may be notable throughout the child's life. Eventually, their mind would be more interested in the everyday life and develop a better sense of analyzing the situation and solving problems.
While it is often uncomfortable to everyone involved, talking about what another one has done can often solve the problems between a parent relationships. Conflicts may be subsided or solved through many situations when it is shared among others. Sharing the thoughts and feelings of oneself can calm the flames within oneself. Sometimes, a parent can realize about the other parent's misunderstood motives. At other times, they could think about how they could improve what they do daily. The child could even bring up problems and solutions that may support and balance the situation abroad. If nothing present is a solution, at least the intense pressure from keeping everything inside disappears and he/she can continue with his/her life.
Through much of theoretical psychology, many people believe that exposing children to such problems could often lead to divorce or a continuous degrade in emotional health but the truth is this. There is a much lesser negative impact on the whole family when feelings and emotions are all revealed truthfully and allowed to heal. In fact, the truthfulness will more often bring together the family then pulling it apart. This will support the emotional growth and maturity in the transition towards adulthood.
Once children do grow up to be adults, the problems they face will very often be those of their own parents. Giving them a chance to listen to such problems and solutions that come up will make them wiser and more attentive when they are placed in the same parental situations. One who may fare well in society is one with knowledge and knows what to do with it. Let the children learn of the parents' wearies, and from it, the solutions of these misfortunes.
Learn more about this author, Martin Shung.
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